Tag Archives: ProggyWoggydoodlealltheday
If you’ve got Firebaggers on your Festivus list you’ve no doubt been wondering what to get them. After all, it isn’t easy to find a gift that says “You’re a politically inert waste of skin who squeals like a pig with its dick caught in a rat trap at little or no provocation. But I really … don’t hate you. All that much.”
Your search is over. After months of studying firebaggers, fauxgressives, nogressvies, regressives and emogressives in their natural habitat, I’m proud to present the FIREBAGGER GIFT BUYING (EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT WON’T BE GOOD ENOUGH) GUIDE FOR 2010.
The following 5 gifts will delight the proggy and stop the whining. For a couple of minutes. Maybe:
You’ve always wanted to write like a firebagger, but you didn’t know how to achieve that stunning mix of seething anger, logic-defying rhetoric and mind-boggling incoherence. Well, it’s easy with Bag Libs™*!
Just supply an appropriate word for each item on the following list, and insert them into the handy template after the jump. Then go out and impress your friends, neighbors and relatives with your custom made Firebagger manifesto!
Place Name: _______________________
Plural Noun: _______________________
Mythical Animal: _______________________
Verb that ends in –ing: ______________
Plural Noun: _______________________
Plural Body Part: _______________________
(Note: Bag Libs™ is not responsible for loss of friends, neighbors, relatives, blood or teeth.)
The United States of America in the year 2010: The gutters of our nation’s most elitist cities run with latte-tainted urine as the progressive v. progressive pissing contest drags on. But thanks to a team of highly trained socio-political experts* the unpleasantness ends today.
Over the past six months† a crack team of sociology and political science professors from America’s tallest ivory towers, together with two former presidents and three retired Supreme Court justices‡ designed this simple 7-question test that will finally separate the true progressives from the backstabbing corporafascist bigoted neo-con pigs in tie-dye clothing. You must not have anything better to do right now or you wouldn’t be here, so pick up your Number 2 pencil and begin:
1. How do you feel when you think of the upcoming elections?
a) What? Didn’t we just do this?
b) A little nervous.
c) Really excited! I can’t wait to see the look on Obama’s face when Republicans take over and impeach him!
2. Look at this picture for exactly 15 seconds. You are filled with the urge to:
a) Spank the monkey in a carefree and defiant manner.
b) Shake my head sadly over the state of U.S. politics.
c) Once again ask why, oh why, the Democrats have failed to create an unorthodox, headline grabbing candidate who can recite talking points and other party propaganda.
3. Do you know what the term “Hippie Punching” means?
a) LOL. Is that like donkey punching?
b) [Sigh] Yes.
c) Clearly you have yet to read my 32,758 word, 5-part essay: The Punchocaust – The Life and Very, Very, Very Hard Times of a True Progressive among the Obots. Guess you’ve got better things to do while the world goes to shit, huh?
4. What role should progressive blogs play in politics?
b) They make a good place for people of similar political beliefs to quickly share information and ideas.
c) Look, I’m a plain spoken person and I have to say: What an incredibly stupid question. Progressive blogs, especially my blog, control the debate and the votes. If I’m not happy, a lot of DINO politicians are going to be unemployed. And I’m never, ever, happy.
5. If Republicans take the House and/or the Senate in the upcoming election, it will prove:
a) What day do we vote again?
b) Democratic leadership failed to adequately inform and energize voters.
c) I was right! I was right! In your FACE! I warned everyone but they didn’t listen. Now they’ll be sorry, they’ll ALL BE SORRY!
6. Have you ever directly contacted an elected official to share a concern, express an opinion, note your support/opposition to a bill, etc.?
c) Why the hell should I do that? I have a blog. They should read it every day if they want to know my opinion so badly. And keep their jobs.
7. In your opinion, the highest form of literature is:
a) Dirty limericks.
b) Well-crafted prose.
c) A ransom note.