Tag Archives: Federal Reserve

Nous sommes screwed

Christ, don’t let Bush say anything about the economy. Please God don’t let this gibbering bastard say anything about the economy. Aaaargh! Fuck! Nooooo (via the AssPress):

Eager to show that he feels people’s pain [And enjoying it immensely -ed.], President Bush told the country Thursday his administration is working feverishly to calm turmoil in the financial markets [Translation: Restore the smooth flow of cash to his buddies -ed.]. With reports swirling of possibly imminent new government action, the president met with his treasury secretary and the head of the Federal Reserve.

Yeah, I can imagine how that conversation went. President MonkeyWrench sat there nodding and rocking in his seat and asked questions like: “Would it help if we bombed Iran?” “How about if we invade Iran and then bombed them?” “Hey where’s my pretzles!?”

“The American people can be sure we will continue to act to strengthen and stabilize our financial markets and improve investor confidence,” the president said.

Bush did not specify what those steps might be. White House press secretary Dana Perino said she could not comment on them, either. “That’s something I’m not at liberty to talk about,” she said.

Translation: No one has idea one, we’re just trying to spin this out so we can get out of here without you suckers lynching us.

And just a reminder. If you think whatever “action” Commander Codbrain and his Pals concoct will benefit you, please reading the following aloud:

Eye am sofa king wetaded.

Again.

And again…

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Filed under Circular firing squad, Economy, Fail Watch

You’re right, so you’re fired

Easiest job in town (via The Washington Post):

Bernanke: Financial System Must Be Strengthened

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke Friday called for a strengthening of the nuts and bolts of the financial system and said the Fed and other regulators should focus more on the stability of the overall system, rather than just the health of individual companies.

OK. I don’t know how much Michael Chertoff’s chubby brother gets paid but I’m going to go waaaay out on a limb and say if it runs into double digits it is TOO DAMN MUCH. Really? We should try to take a systemic approach to the economy? Gosh, however did you arrive at the idea that rushing around trying to patch shit up when the FoCs got in trouble wasn’t working?

He said the Fed, or example, ought to be given the explicit authority to oversee the way financial institutions pay each other and clear trades.

Let’s see … Based on a review of your current track record … No. Fucking. Way.

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Filed under Economy, Fail Watch, Greed

Dick & Jane & Ben

“Hurry, hurry, hurry!” says Ben Barenaked (via The Washington Post):

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Thursday that regulators must move ahead on ways to prevent a future financial crisis from occurring even as they battle one that threatens to plunge the country into recession.

“We do not have the luxury of waiting for markets to stabilize before we think about the future,” Bernanke said in a speech in Richmond.

“Run Dick! Run Jane! Don’t stop, Dick! Don’t stop, Jane! Hurry, hurry, hurry!” says Ben Barenaked!

Those recommendations were put forward after spreading problems in the housing and credit markets threatened to paralyze the entire financial system, which could devastate the national economy.

“Many of the necessary changes that have been identified, including increasing transparency, improving risk management and attaining better coordination among regulators could provide important support to the process of normalizing our financial markets,” Bernanke said.

He said the president advisory group’s recommendations, if implemented, would guard against future financial troubles.

“Quick, quick, quick!” Says Ben Bearnaked. “Get into my Special Speedy Drive Away from Danger Van! You’ll be safe in here Dick! You’ll be safe in here Jane!”

Bernanke, in his speech, didn’t discuss the changes to the Fed’s role under this proposal. However, the Fed chief has said in the past that it is important for the Fed to retain oversight of banks.

“Don’t wait, Dick! Don’t wait Jane! Hurry, hurry, hurry or it will be too late!”

Wanted for questioning in connection with the dissapearance of two children, their dog & 100 bajillion dollars: Ben Wayne Bearnaked.

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Filed under Economy, Fail Watch, Misguided Self-justification

Cox-up

Yesterday Wank Paulson revealed his plan to make everything perfect forever. Not really his plan, the White House’s plan. And not perfect for everyone. The offer of perfection is only available to those inhabiting the upper 1%.

Already angry calls of bullshit and shenanigans ring around our Nation’s capital (via The Washington Post):

What in the world is going on here? [We’re being fucked over. Again. – ed]Why is Washington spending billions to bail out Wall Street titans while leaving struggling homeowners to fend for themselves? [Wall Street Tits, Rich; Homeowners, Poor. Duh. – ed.] Why are the Federal Reserve and the Treasury acting as if they’re afraid the world may come to an end, while the stock market seems much less concerned? And finally, what does all this mean to those of us who aren’t financial professionals? [Hooray, we’re fucked! Again! – ed.]

Today we learned that the totally absolutely cross my heart and hope to die really not a bailout and anyway it won’t come back and screw the taxpayer like a cheap whore “rescue” of Bear-Stearns is, in fact, a bailout and will, in fact screw the tax payer like a cheap whore (via: Calculated Risk, h/t BJ).

And don’t expect the Fed to call us a taxi.

And today we also learned that the SEC, which kinda sorta could have done something to head off this train-wreck fails at keeping track of its own money (via the G.A.O.):

Our November 16, 2007, report concluded that SEC had a material weakness in internal control over its financial reporting process, and therefore did not maintain effective internal control over financial reporting as of September 30, 2007.

I’m closing out my 401k and keeping all of my money in the mattress.

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Filed under Economy, Fail Watch, Federal Reserve, Greed