Category Archives: We’re from the government

Agent Ophelia Balls. TSA Agent Ophelia Balls, please report to Gate 69

The TSA doesn’t just want to irradiate your balls. Or so hopes says Loudoun Co. Supervisor Eugene Delgaudio [via WUSA9]:

A widely distributed e-mail written by Delgaudio for the Public Advocate* about TSA, claims the pat downs are part of a “Homosexual Agenda.”

Today airports, tomorrow the wooooorld!

Delgaudio goes on to whine because the TSA doesn’t discriminate against gays and lesbians and then spells out the horrible truth behind TSA pat downs:

“That means the next TSA official that gives you an ‘enhanced pat down’ could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission.”

Dream the fuck on, shrimp dick.

Thank God for the Potomac. I’m convinced it keeps massive levels of assholery out of D.C. & MD.

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Filed under Local Fail, Republicans and other Perverts, We're from the government

Obaministration initiates Protocols of the Elders of GLBT; Everyone really doomed this time. I mean it.

This is not a good week for our insect bothering friends. Obama’s dastardly plan to make throwing rocks at a gay couple a federal hate crime (which is totally not fair, look you made Tony cry) proceeds apace. At the same time the Department of Health & Human Services is unleashing a plot to send your grandparents to Death Camp and replace them with people who are old and gay! It’s TRUE (via the HHS Website):

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius today announced plans to establish the nation’s first national resource center to assist communities across the country in their efforts to provide services and supports for older lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) individuals.

Experts estimate that as many as 1.5 to 4 million LGBT individuals are age 60 and older.[That sound you just heard was caused by fReichtards keeling over at the thought of 4 million Barney Franks roaming the world, talking smack and taking no prisoners].

Here’s the thing. The amount of money Sebelius wants to set aside, not has, but wants to if she can get it, amounts to diddly/squat ($250,000). It’s the equivalent of a Hallmark card from the .99 bin.  It is a nice gesture. Nothing more. Nothing less.

But once the moth rapists stop screaming about the mean old nasty anti-hate crimes bill (because people who pass anti-hate crime legislation are the real haters), they’ll start up about this. You know the drill: Impassioned gibbering and shrieking against taking care of old people. Warnings that this poses a dire threat to the three C’s: Christianity, Children & Civilization.

Followed by yet another jackass getting caught with his hands down someone’s pants or a “device” down his wetsuit.

Popcorn?

[xp Rumproast]

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Filed under Health, We're from the government

Stereotypes are such ugly things

So I’m ashamed of my reaction to this story about the Cowboys’ new stadium [via Yahoo!]:

Spending $1.2 billion on a football stadium can get you a lot, but not apparently a good sense of how high to hang 2,100 inch video screens above the field.

At the debut of the new Dallas Cowboys’ stadium last night, Tennessee Titans punter A.J. Trapasso kicked a ball that struck one of the gargantuan high-definition scoreboards that hang over the center of the field.

Whups, guess they forgot that people might actually play football in there. OK, that was the funny part, here’s what I’m ashamed of:

Jerry Jones wasn’t happy with the kick, not so much because he felt that somebody on his engineering team screwed up by placing the video boards too low, but because he seems to think that Trapasso was trying to hit the board on purpose.

My first thought: This dipshit must be a Republican.

Shocking, I know. A dude starts whining like a cat with its dick stuck in a wringer when confronted by the fact that he’s in the midst of some serious and expensive F.A.I.L. and I automatically assume he’s a Republican. Tsk. Tsk.

Really, the fact that my immediate reaction to this dumb putz was absolutely correct is no excuse for such behavior. To make up for my lapse I promise not to laugh uproariously when a kick by David “Ferris” Buehler bounces off the corner and beans Jerbil on the noggin.

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Filed under 'Sponsitility, Sports, We're from the government

Will Work 4 Food – Part SECx

Worked long, long, hours and finally left when I realized my nose was about five inches from the monitor.

So you’ll have to make up your own Post-BAdmin job for SEC Spokesmodel Chairman Christopher Cox. Here’s some inspiration:

During his tenure at the SEC, Chairman Cox has made vigorous enforcement of the securities laws the agency’s top priority, bringing ground breaking cases against a variety of market abuses including hedge fund insider trading, stock options backdating, fraud aimed at senior citizens, municipal securities fraud, and securities scams on the Internet.

Cox, sucker*

Cox, sucker*

One. Week.

*Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Filed under 'Sponsitility, We're from the government, WW4F

Will Work 4 Food, Part the 5th

Soon to be unemployed person: Michael “Hank Paulson” Chertoff

Current title: Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, aka Secretary of the Department of OMG I’m So Scared I Crapped My PANTS!!

Past Employment: “Secretary Chertoff was previously confirmed by the Senate in 2001 to serve as Assistant Attorney General for the Criminal Division at the Department of Justice. As Assistant Attorney General, he oversaw the investigation of the 9/11 terrorist attacks [Conclusion: No one in BAdmin could have seen this coming – ed]. He also formed the Enron Task Force, which produced more than 20 convictions, including those of CEOs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay [Conclusion: No one in BAdmin could have seen this coming – ed].”

May he long be remembered for: His Amazing Educated Gut.

Apparent areas of expertise: Hunger strikes.

Suggestions for new jobs: Body double for Hank Paulson, Chicken Little or Ann Coulter.

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Filed under The War Against Terror, We're from the government, WW4F

Chopping Bloch

Fans of homophobia, incompetence and computer hijinks will be saddened to learn that Scott Bloch has decided he won’t stick around until the next president kicks him out (via The Washington Post):

The nation’s top protector of whistle-blowers, who himself is being investigated for allegedly retaliating against employees, said Monday he will resign at the end of his term in January instead of staying on until a replacement can take over.

Bloch has been on the hot seat since he took office in 2004, in part for closing hundreds of whistle-blower cases allegedly without investigating them.

Let’s hope a bunch of those other fuckers take the hint.

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Filed under Fail Watch, GOP, We're from the government

“Establishment gonna fall down and go boom.”

Man am I lazy. Okay, I’ve also been watching the McPOW campaign and wondering if the like shooting themselves in the feet. Anyway, what with the economy still in a slow burn, I bet you’ll be glad to hear that at least you don’t have to worry some lunatic will break into a BSL-4 lab and track killer cooties all over the place.

Weeel … sorta (via the GAO):

BSL-4 labs handle the world’s most dangerous agents and diseases. In fact, of the four BSL designations, only BSL-4 labs can work with agents for which no cure or treatment exists. GAO was asked to perform a systematic security assessment of key perimeter security controls at the nation’s five operational BSL-4 labs.

And every single one was locked up tighter than a cat’s ass, right?

While three labs had all or nearly all of the key security controls GAO assessed-features such as perimeter barriers, roving armed guard patrols, and magnetometers in use at lab entrances-two labs demonstrated a significant lack of these controls.

For example, the two labs with fewer security controls lacked both visible deterrents and a means to respond to intrusion. One lab even had a window that looked directly into the room where BSL-4 agents were handled. In addition to creating the perception of vulnerability, the lack of key security controls at these labs means that security officials have fewer opportunities to stop an intruder or attacker.

So, 67% of the BSL-4 labs in this country are experiencing major fail when it comes to keeping the killer cooties locked up tight. And thanks to bAdmin. there’s a good chance some dipshit from Regent’s University is working in one of those labs…

Uggh. I don’t feel too good.

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Filed under Fail Watch, Health, We're from the government