Category Archives: Tantrums

We gotta get out of this place

If you want a vision of Las Vegas, imagine a thousand ancient whores faking orgasms.

Forever.

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Filed under Lazy Latte Sipping Islahomo, Tantrums

I’ll see Your Grandstand and Raise you a Showboat

Cantor’s opening bid is impressive, but 12 gentlemen from Wyoming have raised the stakes.

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Filed under Mental Health, Republicans and other Perverts, Tantrums

Who’s sorry now?

Flame On!

Shorter ABC: You mean the man is a repulsive liar all of the time? Goodness, I thought he just did it to grind the faces of the little people! [via whatshot?]:

“Mr. Breitbart exaggerated the role he would play on his blog,” ABC News spokesman Jeffrey Schneider told The Upshot on Monday. “We immediately made it clear that was never the role he was supposed to play. He had been invited to be part of our digital town hall, and that is still the role.”

Lightfart is of course being his usual self (Lying? Check. Crying? Check.) and standing up for his right to appear on the TeeVee:

[Breitbart] wrote that the network is “not standing up for free speech and the 1st Amendment.”

Yes! In the original U.S. Constitution, the government could force private companies to give True Patriots several hours of air time, but liberals stole that part. Fortunately, Andy has discovered the one true original copy of the Bill of Rights, which he’ll share with us all … once he finishes that course on forging old documents. (It’s a lot harder than splicing tapes.)

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Filed under ReaLAMErican Hero, Research, Tantrums

It’s time to play Bag Libs™!

You’ve always wanted to write like a firebagger, but you didn’t know how to achieve that stunning mix of seething anger, logic-defying rhetoric and mind-boggling incoherence. Well, it’s easy with Bag Libs™*!

Just supply an appropriate word for each item on the following list, and insert them into the handy template after the jump. Then go out and impress your friends, neighbors and relatives with your custom made Firebagger manifesto!

Place Name: _______________________
Noun: _______________________
Plural Noun: _______________________
Adverb: _______________________
Mythical Animal: _______________________
Verb that ends in –ing: ______________
Plural Noun: _______________________
Verb: _______________________
Adjective: _______________________
Adverb: _______________________
Verb: _______________________
Verb: _______________________
Plural Body Part: _______________________
Number: _______________________
Adjective: _______________________
Adjective: _______________________

(Note: Bag Libs™ is not responsible for loss of friends, neighbors, relatives, blood or teeth.)

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Filed under Misguided Self-justification, Tantrums

Are you a Real Progressive? Take this quiz to find out

The United States of America in the year 2010: The gutters of our nation’s most elitist cities run with latte-tainted urine as the progressive v. progressive pissing contest drags on. But thanks to a team of highly trained socio-political experts* the unpleasantness ends today.

Over the past six months† a crack team of sociology and political science professors from America’s tallest ivory towers, together with two former presidents and three retired Supreme Court justices‡ designed this simple 7-question test that will finally separate the true progressives from the backstabbing corporafascist bigoted neo-con pigs in tie-dye clothing. You must not have anything better to do right now or you wouldn’t be here, so pick up your Number 2 pencil and begin:

1. How do you feel when you think of the upcoming elections?

a) What? Didn’t we just do this?

b) A little nervous.

c) Really excited! I can’t wait to see the look on Obama’s face when Republicans take over and impeach him!

2. Look at this picture for exactly 15 seconds. You are filled with the urge to:

a) Spank the monkey in a carefree and defiant manner.

b) Shake my head sadly over the state of U.S. politics.

c) Once again ask why, oh why, the Democrats have failed to create an unorthodox, headline grabbing candidate who can recite talking points and other party propaganda.

3. Do you know what the term “Hippie Punching” means?

a) LOL. Is that like donkey punching?

b) [Sigh] Yes.

c) Clearly you have yet to read my 32,758 word, 5-part essay: The Punchocaust – The Life and Very, Very, Very Hard Times of a True Progressive among the Obots. Guess you’ve got better things to do while the world goes to shit, huh?

4. What role should progressive blogs play in politics?

a) [Fart]

b) They make a good place for people of similar political beliefs to quickly share information and ideas.

c) Look, I’m a plain spoken person and I have to say: What an incredibly stupid question. Progressive blogs, especially my blog, control the debate and the votes. If I’m not happy, a lot of DINO politicians are going to be unemployed. And I’m never, ever, happy.

5. If Republicans take the House and/or the Senate in the upcoming election, it will prove:

a) What day do we vote again?

b) Democratic leadership failed to adequately inform and energize voters.

c) I was right! I was right! In your FACE! I warned everyone but they didn’t listen. Now they’ll be sorry, they’ll ALL BE SORRY!

6. Have you ever directly contacted an elected official to share a concern, express an opinion, note your support/opposition to a bill, etc.?

a) No.

b) Yes.

c) Why the hell should I do that? I have a blog. They should read it every day if they want to know my opinion so badly. And keep their jobs.

7. In your opinion, the highest form of literature is:

a) Dirty limericks.

b) Well-crafted prose.

c) A ransom note.

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Filed under A break from the fail, Research, Tantrums

Tomorrow’s shorters, today

After seeing ReaLAMEricans driven to a frenzy by the combination of brown skin and an Under Armour beanie, it occurred to me it’s going to be a busy week for the leading lice of the fReichtard movement.

They will of course say something about this footage. And if you think it will be “Oh my God, I’m so ashamed that I ever had anything to do with these people,” you have not been paying attention.

So, in the interest of saving time, here are 13 pre-shorters of the shit the fRighties will fling over the next few days.

They are both 100% the product of my imagination and 100% accurate:

1. The fact that this gentleman denied he’s a Muslim when no one asked if he was a Muslim proves he’s a Muslim.

2. Saaay, what’s a brown guy doing in New York City, anyway?

3. It’s a shame the Muslims insist on inciting ReaLAMEricans to attack random brown people who probably don’t deserve it.

4. Once again the Democrat-controlled LameStreamMedia seeks to stifle our rights by not editing out the bits of this tape we don’t want people to see.

5. I didn’t watch the film but based on what a friend told me about it liberals are once again making a big deal about nothing.

6. It’s obvious the one or two people who appear to be misbehaving, and the man they appear to be harassing are all liberal moles.

7. Dear Brown People: We’re angry and upset so you’ll have to stay indoors until we calm down. P.S. We’re not racist.

8. I felt sorry for the man until he used the “F” word, then I hit the swooning couch.

9. What did he expect? He’s brown and wearing a skull cap that looks kind of Muslimy.

10. Check his counter tops!!

11. For all the protesters knew the guy was lying when he said he isn’t Muslim, so it was their duty to go after him.

12. Once upon a time the Democratic party was full of racists so the stuff that happens in this tape doesn’t count.

13. LOL, libtards are sooooo sensitive. They should sack up like us manly studs on the right. P.S. Stop the Ground 0 911 Mosque, it hurts my feewings.

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Filed under Misguided Self-justification, ReaLAMErican Hero, Tantrums

N-word rant killed the radio star

Dr. Ssss

Poor Dr. Laura. Another conservative  victim of that damned cause and effect (via MSNBCDEFG):

Dr. Laura Schlessinger says she’s shutting down her 30-year-old syndicated radio program at the end of the year …

Aw. Such a loss to the world of Krazy Konservative Kommentary.

But I’m sure she’s learned an important lessons after squatting over a live mike, flooding the air waves with racist rant-a-thon and then – for some perfectly innocent reason, I’m sure – pulling the recording from her show’s website.

…so she can get her “First Amendment rights” back.

Ha, ha! You didn’t really think she’d learned diddly or squat, did you?

“I want to be able to say what’s on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors. I’m sort of done with that.”

I have a suggestion for “Dr.” L: Take some of your money and hire a decent attorney. He’ll explain that the 1st Am. bars the government from throwing you in jail or otherwise being nasty to you for the things you say. He’ll also explain that the invisible hand of the free market will give you the finger if the things you say are too toxic for your sponsors.

And that’s the American Way.

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Filed under 'Sponsitility, Tantrums, WATB