Category Archives: Foreign Policy

Will Work 4 Food – Part the 1st of a Series

With 75 days of the Worst President Evar to go and sane, intelligent adults on their way to the White House, a lot of immature, dimwitted adolescents are going to be out on their asses. Because I can be gracious in victory, I thought I’d do my part to help them find new jobs. Jobs that are suited to their abilities. Jobs as far the fuck away from the levers of power as possible without launching them into space.

Now, you may be thinking: ‘But surely they have the foresight to dust off their resumes.’ To which I respond: ‘Foresight? Bwhahahaha, snort!’ I guarantee you that at least some of these jokers will be shocked. SHOCKED, when Obama walks into their offices and meaningfully jerks his thumb over his shoulder.

In addition, if they’re suddenly unemployed I don’t want them hanging around my town looking for a handout. So here, in no particular order except Cheney and Bush will be last, are some folks who will soon be looking for employment and some suggestions for what they can do after Jan. 20, 2009.

Soon to be unemployed person: Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

Current title: Secretary of State.

Past Employment: Making life hard for teachers who have to put up with assholes like me who say that those who can’t, teach.

Alleged areas of expertise (from her White House bio): “From 1989 through March 1991, the period of German reunification and the final days of the Soviet Union, she served in the Bush Administration as Director, and then Senior Director, of Soviet and East European Affairs in the National Security Council, and a Special Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs. In 1986, while an international affairs fellow of the Council on Foreign Relations, she served as Special Assistant to the Director of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. In 1997, she served on the Federal Advisory Committee on Gender – Integrated Training in the Military.”

Apparent areas of expertise: Babysitting. Rapid deployment of the passive voice. Looking puzzled. Looking angry and puzzled. Looking scary and puzzled. Misjudging everything and everyone, especially the Russians. Lying like a rug.

Quote: Hey, Osama bin Laden didn’t send us a signed note saying he was going to attack the U.S. using hijacked commercial airplanes and you know what they say about people who assume!

Additional skills: A fine pianist. Fluent in several languages which is more than can be said for her boss. Sticking to the script:

“I’ve learned never to predict in this business,” she said, “but it is clear we’re in a different situation now because Israel is going to elections.”

Hobbies: Shopping during natural disasters.

Suggestions for new jobs: Keyboard player in an airport lounge. PR flack for a company with a LOT to hide. Bouncer at a refined bar. Boot model. Replacement for conservetard what’s-her-face on The View.

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Filed under Fail Watch, Foreign Policy, WW4F

The louse that bored

pResident Bush struggles to secure his place among history’s greatest hypocrites (via The Washington Post):

In a sharply worded response Tuesday afternoon, President Bush condemned the Russian move, calling it “irresponsible” and likely to raise tensions.

I think he’s a shoo in.

“We expect Russia to live up to its international commitments, reconsider this irresponsible decision, and follow the approach set out in the six-point agreement,” Bush said in a statement issued from his ranch in Crawford, Tex. “The territorial integrity and borders of Georgia must be respected, just as those of Russia or any other country…”

Ten truck-loads of Viagra couldn’t help this impotent little prick.

And this won’t help anyone or anything at all, anywhere:

Vice President Cheney is scheduled to travel to Georgia next week as part of a trip that will also include stops in two other former Soviet republics, Azerbaijan and Ukraine.

Sorry George, Putin is a much bigger dick than Ctheney.

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Bush tells Rice to tell Putin he is totally NOT speaking to him

That’s all he gots (via the AssPress):

Beyond pushing Russia to get its troops out of Georgia, President Bush and his national security advisers are contemplating how best to take Moscow to task for invading its neighbor — an act the president calls “completely unacceptable to the free nations of the world.”

Plus, he’s already torn up all the pictures of them together. Take that, Putin! And don’t you dare say anything when I try to put a few nukes on your doorstep! They’re for Iran, OK?

Moscow feels it is aimed at Russia’s missile force. Undeterred in its opposition, Russian Gen. Anatoly Nogovitsyn was quoted by Interfax News Agency on Friday as saying that by accepting a U.S. missile defense battery Poland was “exposing itself to a strike.” The missile deal, struck Thursday after more than 18 months of talks, must still be approved by Poland’s parliament and signed by Rice during a future visit to Warsaw, possibly next week.

So. Wow. Poland gets to weigh the support of the US v. the good will of Russia the week after it saw what happened to the last guy who relied on US support.

That’s going to be a tough call.

So far, the White House has hedged on saying what consequences Russia might face.

Shocking.

“A lot of this depends on Russia and what Russia’s actions are in the near future,” [For example, if they tell Bush to shut the fuck up, he might take a breath like he’s going to say something anyway and then … not say anything. Just to make them mad. -ed] Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the National Security Council, said Friday. “Right now, their actions have been inconsistent with the premise that we and those in Europe and around the world have — [Oops, don’t talk about peace around the world! -ed] inconsistent with the fundamental principles of a Europe [Whew! Someone might have called you a towering hypocrite! -ed] whole, free, and at peace. So cooperation on a wide range of issues going forward depends on the actions that Russia takes.”

Like if Russia needs to borrow a cup of sugar, when they come to the door, we’ll have to hide behind the sofa and pretend we’re not at home until they go away.

One day someone will write a book about US/Russian relations during the year reign of The Chimperor.

I suggest it be titled Putin’s Bitch.

Jesus Christ on balance beam, no wonder no one takes us seriously.

Prior to his service at the State Department, he was Press Secretary to the First Lady.

Yes, because it is just a short step from press secretary for the first lady to spokesman for … Ow … national security … Damn! Sorry, my gaydar … ringing … shrieking … ugg~*

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President Bush speaks, Irony-o-meters explode

President Bush shameless knob, or most shameless knob ever? You decide (via The Washington Post):

The White House stepped up its criticism of Russia for escalating the conflict in Georgia, with President Bush warning Monday that Russia’s “disproportionate response” is unacceptable

Need I say anything more? Fine how about this:

“I was very firm with Vladimir Putin [in Beijing on Friday] – he and I have got a good relationship – just as I was firm with the Russian president,” Bush said, referring to Dmitry Medvedev. “Hopefully this will get resolved peacefully.”

Peacefully. Right. Does this jackass know the situation has gone a bit beyond snippy diplomatic exchanges? It’s also interesting to see that Mr. Pretzledent’s definition of a “good relationship” includes being mocked, humiliated and ignored.

No wonder they don’t want to explain Jeff Gannon’s frequent visits.

Meanwhile, Dick “Dick” Cheney is dusting off his Nixon-era rhetoric:

Cheney was even more pointed, telling Saakashvili on Sunday afternoon that “Russian aggression must not go unanswered,” according to his press secretary.

Sure sweetheart. Let’s see, since someone has made the U.S. the mangy three-legged dog of international politics, driven a stake through the heart of our economy and wrecked our military in a totally not disproportionate response, how can the U.S. answer Russian aggression?

Hmmm. I know!

Nanny, nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!

There. That’s all we gots, Dick. Now shut up and eat your bucket o’ baby hearts.

___

*&!# generic Nyquil.

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Blink

2003 – Yipee-ki-yay motherfucker (via The Washington Post):

“We will not tolerate nuclear weapons in North Korea,” the president said confidently in May 2003, three weeks after declaring an end to major combat operations in Iraq. “We will not settle for anything less than the complete, verifiable, and irreversible elimination of North Korea’s nuclear weapons program.”

2008 – Kim Jong Il obtains photos of the Bush/Gannon meetings:

In the end, Bush settled for far less. Way short of his grand goal, Bush instead can claim only inching, agonizing progress toward getting the unpredictable government in North Korea to peel back the lid of secrecy about a nuclear weapons program that startled the world and brought together a coalition of five nations – Russia, China, Japan, South Korea and the United States – to put pressure on Pyongyang.

North Korea is one of the brightest neon WTF? signs that’s hung over BushCo since the Subhuman Cowboy decided to go invade Iraq on the word of a pathological liar kindred spirit. Remember when North Korea tested a nuke? No, remember when North Korea tossed out the inspectors and fired up the reactors and sent us the tapes?

[Crickets chirp]

Here’s what The Chimp in Chief had to say when North Korea wrote “Stick it up your axis of evil,” on a bomb and flicked the switch:

Last night the government of North Korea proclaimed to the world that it had conducted a nuclear test. We’re working to confirm North Korea’s claim. Nonetheless, such a claim itself constitutes a threat to international peace and security. The United States condemns this provocative act. Once again North Korea has defied the will of the international community, and the international community will respond.

That’s the first of five paragraphs. Five paragraphs of an swaggering bully realizing he’s run up against a bigger bully. Because bAdmin. couldn’t do much about it, could they? Sanctions are great, but you need other nations to make that effective. War? But, but, North Korea has a huge army and ours was already tied up looking for Mr. Pretzledent’s legacy. Now here’s the funny part: If pResident Psychopath hadn’t barged into Iraq, he wouldn’t have looked 1/10th as fucking stupid when NoKo tested a nuke.

Now even Ambassador Walrus is pissed at him:

“It’s shameful,” John Bolton, Bush’s former U.S. ambassador at the United Nations, said of the president’s decision. “This represents the final collapse of Bush’s foreign policy.”

He said the North had gained “political and economic legitimacy” by Bush’s concession and there was clear evidence North Korea has aided Syria and Iran. “To take North Korea off that list makes a mockery of the president’s notion that cooperating with terrorism means you’ll be treated as if you’re part of the terrorist network,” Bolton said.

Or, the list as conceived by Li’l Bush was a mockery of how foreign relations are conducted.

207 days.

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Filed under Fail Watch, Foreign Policy, Misguided Self-justification

History stutters

Once upon a time there was a budding democracy that hatched a scheme to cozy up to the vilest, drunkest sack of shit to ever hold high office in the biggest baddest country in the whole wide world. “Hey there, big fella,” Budding Democracy said. “You sure look hot in that flight suit. We’re going to fight nasty terra dudes, k?”

And the vile drunk power mad sack of shit spat out a pretzel and said, “Ya gotta promise to uphold democracy an’ freedom an’ all that other awesome stuff.” And he winked.

The Budding Democracy winked back and went back home and then started stepping on faces in the name of fighting the nasty terra dudes.

No, I’m not talking about Pakistan (via The Washington Post):

When Bangladesh’s military-backed government arrested more than 10,000 people, human rights activists denounced it as a political crackdown six months ahead of elections at the end of this year meant to restore elected government. In Washington, the Bush administration was largely silent.

That may be because the new leaders have brought a measure of stability to the poor, Muslim-majority nation, cracked down on corruption and, perhaps most importantly for the United States, acted tough against terrorism.

Richard Boucher, the assistant secretary of state for South Asia, later said President Bush’s government was making its concerns known in Bangladesh, but Washington needs “to understand it a little better before we say more” about whether the arrests are evidence of backsliding on democracy.

Oh, now you talk about “understanding.” Quick, what’s the difference between a Sunni and a Shia?

[Crickets chirp]

218 days until these ass limpets GtFo.

Richard Boucher sez: The Bangeldashikis are our friends.

See? They gave me flowers and this great French tickler!

____

Forgot the link. Added photo

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I’m N UR Base, Readin UR Planz

Listen up hippies. Get on your patchouli bedaubed knees and thank the Mighty BushCo for its massive spying program. Without it we’d have unsavoury types sharing nuclear secrets with Teh Axis of Evil.

Ha ha, I fooooled yooo (via The Washington Post):

An international smuggling ring that sold bomb-related parts to Libya, Iran and North Korea also managed to acquire blueprints for an advanced nuclear weapon, according to a draft report by a former top U.N. arms inspector that suggests the plans could have been shared secretly with any number of countries or rogue groups.

The drawings, discovered in 2006 on computers owned by Swiss businessmen, included essential details for building a compact nuclear device that could be fitted on a type of ballistic missile used by Iran and more than a dozen developing countries, the report states.

The pResident will want to bomb the hell out of all of the countries that might have that information. Unless there’s a possibility they could hit us back.

The computer contents – among more than 1,000 gigabytes of data seized – were recently destroyed by Swiss authorities under the supervision of the U.N. nuclear watchdog agency, which is investigating the now-defunct smuggling ring previously led by Pakistani scientist Abdul Qadeer Khan.

Pity they didn’t go to the Dick Cthcheney Skool of Data Scrubbing. Oh well I’m sure Friend O’ the Chimperor Musharraf took care of that ne’er do well Khan. Musharraf was our bestest friend in The War Against Terra dontyewknow.

Khan, who apologized for his role in the smuggling network in a 2004 speech broadcast in Pakistan, was officially pardoned by President Pervez Musharraf without being formally charged with crimes.

Um. Well. Musharraf is out because some people didn’t understand that you have to break a lot of heads to make a Democracy Omelet. Now the dirty commie pinko hippies are in charge. I guess this means we can bomb them. How big is their army?

Unfucking believable.

Pakistan has previously denied that Khan stole the country’s weapons plans. Musharraf has not allowed IAEA experts to interview Khan, an engineer who is regarded as a national hero for his role in establishing Pakistan’s nuclear weapons program. Khan, in interviews last month with The Post and several other publications, asserted that the allegations of nuclear smuggling were false.

Maybe we can re-invade Iraq

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Filed under Foreign Policy, The War Against Terror