With 75 days of the Worst President Evar to go and sane, intelligent adults on their way to the White House, a lot of immature, dimwitted adolescents are going to be out on their asses. Because I can be gracious in victory, I thought I’d do my part to help them find new jobs. Jobs that are suited to their abilities. Jobs as far the fuck away from the levers of power as possible without launching them into space.
Now, you may be thinking: ‘But surely they have the foresight to dust off their resumes.’ To which I respond: ‘Foresight? Bwhahahaha, snort!’ I guarantee you that at least some of these jokers will be shocked. SHOCKED, when Obama walks into their offices and meaningfully jerks his thumb over his shoulder.
In addition, if they’re suddenly unemployed I don’t want them hanging around my town looking for a handout. So here, in no particular order except Cheney and Bush will be last, are some folks who will soon be looking for employment and some suggestions for what they can do after Jan. 20, 2009.
Soon to be unemployed person: Dr. Condoleezza Rice.
Current title: Secretary of State.
Past Employment: Making life hard for teachers who have to put up with assholes like me who say that those who can’t, teach.
Alleged areas of expertise (from her White House bio): “From 1989 through March 1991, the period of German reunification and the final days of the Soviet Union, she served in the Bush Administration as Director, and then Senior Director, of Soviet and East European Affairs in the National Security Council, and a Special Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs. In 1986, while an international affairs fellow of the Council on Foreign Relations, she served as Special Assistant to the Director of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. In 1997, she served on the Federal Advisory Committee on Gender – Integrated Training in the Military.”
Apparent areas of expertise: Babysitting. Rapid deployment of the passive voice. Looking puzzled. Looking angry and puzzled. Looking scary and puzzled. Misjudging everything and everyone, especially the Russians. Lying like a rug.
Quote: Hey, Osama bin Laden didn’t send us a signed note saying he was going to attack the U.S. using hijacked commercial airplanes and you know what they say about people who assume!
Additional skills: A fine pianist. Fluent in several languages which is more than can be said for her boss. Sticking to the script:
“I’ve learned never to predict in this business,” she said, “but it is clear we’re in a different situation now because Israel is going to elections.”
Hobbies: Shopping during natural disasters.
Suggestions for new jobs: Keyboard player in an airport lounge. PR flack for a company with a LOT to hide. Bouncer at a refined bar. Boot model. Replacement for conservetard what’s-her-face on The View.