Category Archives: Federal Reserve

Don’t Panic!

Now please, there’s no reason to get upset about this. Go back to worrying about all the terrorists who want to rape your dog (via The Washington Post):

The 28 branches of 1st National Bank of Nevada and First Heritage Bank, operating in Nevada, Arizona and California, were closed Friday by federal regulators.

The banks, owned by Scottsdale, Ariz.-based First National Bank Holding Co., were scheduled to reopen on Monday as Mutual of Omaha Bank branches, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. said.

Really. They just did it because they know nothing lifts the gloom of a recession like a little surprise when you go to the bank. I mean, everything was all rainbows and sparkle ponies only last week:

The collapse of IndyMac Bank caused some sweaty palms in executive suites around the nation, including at First National Bank.

The Scottsdale financial institution, itself rumored to be in trouble, has added staff at local offices in recent days to answer questions from worried depositors and even arranged to have additional cash on hand.

But it proved a false alarm.

No. That is what we call a WARNING SHOT. But thank God for liars or people would have panicked and panic is only appropriate when Michael Chertoff has the runs. Take it away James:

[James Claffee, the company’s new president and chief executive officer] acknowledged that First National Bank has been the target of worrisome rumors. He also noted that regulators from several entities – among them the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. and the Federal Reserve – are in regular contact with management and frequently visit the firm’s facilities.

Heh heh. Just because the cops are trooping in and out of here all of the time, it doesn’t mean a thing.

“Regulators have indicated we are undercapitalized compared to where they want us to be,” Claffee said. “We’re working on that.”

Sure you are. Now here’s the sign that it was past time to abandon ship:

“We have been aggressive about recognizing bad loans and taking losses through provisions,” he said. “I think we are turning the corner.”

Holy Shit, he’s using bAdminese. Run. Run!!

Back to The Post:

Bill Uffelman of the Nevada Bankers Association said Friday the FDIC action “is a reflection of the times for the banks. It’s a poor economy.”

Uffelman cautioned against the sort of consumer concern that prompted many customers of IndyMac Bank branches to wait for hours in line to withdraw funds across Southern California last week after that bank was seized by federal regulators. All FDIC-insured bank deposits are guaranteed by the FDIC up to $100,000, he noted.

Please. I understand the official suity types have to say that but they must understand that everyone is asking thinking the thing: If the FDIC can’t deliver on that guarantee, I’m still fucked. Maybe take a second to explain exactly how this will work if a bank goes tits up before you swoop in to the rescue.

Do NOT let the pResident do this.

Im n ur bank. Lookin at ur dollaz$$

But everything was still just peachy on July 23rd!

A time line of the rise and fall of the parent company.


Filed under Economy, Fail Watch, Federal Reserve

Ben Bearnaked

If you want to LOL while the the dollar is eclipsed by the Euro, the Loonie and some of the chunkier subatomic particles, head on over to i can haz bailout?

Enjoy it while you can, because if they don’t cut your power for non-payment you’ll have to bust up your PC to fashion crude hunting tools.

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Filed under Economy, Federal Reserve


Yesterday Wank Paulson revealed his plan to make everything perfect forever. Not really his plan, the White House’s plan. And not perfect for everyone. The offer of perfection is only available to those inhabiting the upper 1%.

Already angry calls of bullshit and shenanigans ring around our Nation’s capital (via The Washington Post):

What in the world is going on here? [We’re being fucked over. Again. – ed]Why is Washington spending billions to bail out Wall Street titans while leaving struggling homeowners to fend for themselves? [Wall Street Tits, Rich; Homeowners, Poor. Duh. – ed.] Why are the Federal Reserve and the Treasury acting as if they’re afraid the world may come to an end, while the stock market seems much less concerned? And finally, what does all this mean to those of us who aren’t financial professionals? [Hooray, we’re fucked! Again! – ed.]

Today we learned that the totally absolutely cross my heart and hope to die really not a bailout and anyway it won’t come back and screw the taxpayer like a cheap whore “rescue” of Bear-Stearns is, in fact, a bailout and will, in fact screw the tax payer like a cheap whore (via: Calculated Risk, h/t BJ).

And don’t expect the Fed to call us a taxi.

And today we also learned that the SEC, which kinda sorta could have done something to head off this train-wreck fails at keeping track of its own money (via the G.A.O.):

Our November 16, 2007, report concluded that SEC had a material weakness in internal control over its financial reporting process, and therefore did not maintain effective internal control over financial reporting as of September 30, 2007.

I’m closing out my 401k and keeping all of my money in the mattress.

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Filed under Economy, Fail Watch, Federal Reserve, Greed

Announcing the grand opening of the 1st Bank of Jake

I’ve got an expensive suit, conservative ties, a firm handshake and a warm smile. Yep, I’m good. Now to get filthy stinking rich without any of that hard work and dedication crap my elders always blabbed about (via the AssPress):

The Federal Reserve announced Friday it will auction an additional $100 billion in April to cash-strapped banks as it continues to combat the effects of a credit crisis.

The central bank said it would make $50 billion available at each of two auctions, on April 7 and April 21.

Ca. Ching. The beauty part is, I don’t want much so I figure that for a bid of $1,000 on the 7th, the Fed will give me $1 million. Then I’ll take what I didn’t blow on booze and other pleasures of the flesh after the 7th and go back for a second helping on the 21st. Continue reading

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Filed under Fail Watch, Federal Reserve, Greed