Category Archives: Fail Watch

Mentally unbalanced person hatches new plot to support mascara habit

Attention suckers! Now that you’ve packed away your 100 copies of Going Rouge and purchased all the Tea Bagger bling you’ll ever need, you’re probably wondering if there’s another two-bit huckster out there who’d like to relieve you of your money.  Fear not. America continues to maintain a healthy credulous dimwit/scam artist ratio. Whoo! U.S.A.  [via TPM]:

Taitz also said on her blog this week that she is considering running for state office in California, either for attorney general or secretary of state, so she could sue Obama for his records [Yes, that Taitz. The one with the law school degree she got by sending in 95,682 UPC stickers from her Revlon products -ed].

“We don’t need 50 secretaries of state or 50 Attorney Generals suing Obama. If only one sues and gets discovery, we are done,” she wrote. [For a given value of “done” because a conspiracy theorist will never accept evidence that counters whatever the neighbor’s koi have told him because any evidence that appears to counter the theory MUST BE FALSE -ed.]

She also said she’d need $3,000 to $4,000 to start her campaign, and estimated a run would cost $100,000 in all. Taitz also said she’d need a campaign manager and volunteers. [Next time you think your job sucks, imagine working for this whack-a-loon. -ed.]

So there you go, your latest money pit. She’s got a PayPal button on her blog. Just remember, when you look at the negative balance on your bank account, it’s them damn sozializt demoncrats’ fault!

Have fun!

[xp Rumproast]


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Filed under Fail Watch, Mental Health

fReichtards say the darndest things

I know why it’s  been impossible for me to blog of late. I don’t know where the hell to begin.

To be sure, I’m not surprised the fReichtards struggled into two wetsuits and dove to new depths of ape-shittery when Obama was elected, but I’m starting to wonder if they all have minders whose sole job is to make sure they don’t go outside with their dookie smeared knickers (well knotted, natch) on their heads.

We have creatures like CounterIntelligence Chief Michelle Malkin declaring that it is too appropriate to compare Obama to Hitler because the lefties did it to Bush and … socialism and … uh … death to porkulus and Graeme Frost!!!

The Washington Times has thrown all restraint to the winds. In the past couple of days it has run front page above the fold stories about a) Obama’s terribly suspicious use of American flags during  his appearances. I take it a PotUS who appears with flags around his podium MUST BE USING THEM TO HIDE ISLAMIC KENYAN INDONESIAN HAWAIIAN TERRISTS! and b) The following 36 pt headline: Holder Calls America a Nation of Cowards.

He was actually referring to everyone’s refusal to discuss race issues. I imagine he’s still laughing because in response to his comments, everyone shat their pants, took off their pants, grabbed a passing stranger’s pants and shat those pants.

Apparently the first black A.G. discussing race relations during Black History Month is simply too radical.


Oh, and if I didn’t know he was a fucking clown, I’d suspect Michael “Democrat on Election Day” Steele is secretly planning to wreck the GOP, either by driving away Das Base or pissing off everyone so badly they drive the GOP out of the country. But there is no secret plan. He’s just another Republican asshole.

Le double sigh.

So I think, why bother? Actually, I laugh really hard and then I think, why bother? But this morning I came across this little gem and felt it needed to be preserved, like a tick in amber (via the Washington Post):

See, in my world, stars don’t come any bigger than Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Mitt Romney and Mike Pence (if there were a congressional version of Teen Beat, the Indiana congressman would be on its cover every month*). Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee and John Boehner are the Jonas Brothers of conservative celebrity. And all of them will be at CPAC 2009.

If I were a nice person, the above paragraph alone would have me weeping tears of sympathy for these poor deluded fucks. But I’m not nice and if you’re not nice and you need a laugh, I recommend reading the entire opinion piece by Ms. Sippy Cupp.

Even though I suspect she is that rare thing: A fRightie with a tiny but still semi-functional humor gland, she perfectly captures the current spirit of the GOP. “Hey, we’re really cool and hip and bitchin’ and groovy. Maybe we’re not cool to those degenerate lefties and moderates and most Americans, but huh! Who cares? We don’t need them!”

In other words, every sentence is a futile attempt to shout above the sound of water rushing into the hold and that’s a beautiful thing.

*Note to Republicans: Please don’t mention teen heart throbs and your members of Congress in the same paragraph. Ever. Also, Mike Pence is a solid 6.5, in a good light. You’re welcome.

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Filed under Fail Watch, GOP, Misguided Self-justification, Republicans and other Perverts

Pardon me, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Don’t ask Congresscritter Ros-Lehtinen (R-They’re Out To Get Me), she’ll freak out and start screaming threats down the phone:

When Obama introduced himself, Ros-Lehtinen cut him off and said, “I’m sorry but I think this is a joke from one of the South Florida radio stations known for these pranks.” Then she hung up.

Moments later, Obama tried again, this time through his soon-to-be chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel.

“Ileana, I cannot believe you hung up on the President-Elect,” Emanuel said. And then-yes, you know what’s coming-she hung up on Emanuel saying she “didn’t believe the call was legitimate.”

Finally, by crossing his heart and hoping to die, ERL spoke to him. But she still had her doubts:

“You are either very gracious to reach out in such a bipartisan manner or had run out of folks to call if you are truly calling me and Saturday Night Live could use a good Obama impersonator like you,” Ros-Lehtinen joked with the president-elect.

Paranoid and Palinesque.

Christ these people are fucking stupid.

Yeah, yeah. I’ll get back to ripping on the soon-to-be-ex president and his pals once the meds kick in.

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That joke isn’t funny any more

I admit, I’ve been slacking of late. Perhaps it’s the weather (colder than any part of a brass monkey’s anatomy you care to name). Perhaps it’s work (the floggings will continue until morale improves). Yesterday they let an entire department go and let me tell you, there’s no greater incentive to opening a vein than sitting there listening to about 30 women cry their eyes out and being unable to do anything about it.

And you know why they got laid off? Because a bunch of dumb, greedy, reckless motherfuckers gang banged this country’s economy, left it bleeding in the ditch and when people said “Dude, what the fuck?” they smirked and said just give us and our pals more money or we’ll stick the body in a wood chipper.

It isn’t fucking funny any more. I fucking hate addicts and that’s what’s in charge of this country. That’s what got us where we are today. That’s what laid those women off and if I saw any of those bastards being mauled by wild dogs I’d run off and buy some popcorn and a hot dog so I could fully enjoy the goddamned show.

Right now I don’t want to make fun of them, I just want them to fuck off and die. Preferably due to a miscalculation that involves a Clydesdale, two wetsuits and farm equipment.


Filed under Fail Watch, Lazy Latte Sipping Islahomo

Will Work for Food – Part the 3rd

The year was 1612 when Mr. & Mrs. Vlad Dracul gave birth to a bouncing baby vampire. But it soon became evident that he wasn’t like other vampires, because he didn’t like blood. Oh dear me no. He liked to stick his fangs into big piles of money and suck until it was drained of all value.

When he was a young vampire he went to new country called the United States of American and waited until a complete dumbfuck was running the country. All it took was a few seconds of his hypnotic glare and the dumbfuck put him in charge of the U.S. Department of Treasury where he gorged himself until the U.S. dollar was worth less than a bottle cap.

Do I really need to say anything else about this guy? Do I really need to explain why we should all breathe a deep sigh of relief when he’s given the boot? And then we should go check the Treasury to see if he missed a few coins that rolled into the corner.

Even this administration has enough sense to be a little shamed by his past (from his U.S. Department of Treasury bio):

Prior to joining Goldman Sachs, Paulson was a member of the White House Domestic Council, serving as Staff Assistant to the President from 1972 to 1973, and as Staff Assistant to the Assistant Secretary of Defense at the Pentagon from 1970 to 1972.

Gee. Who was in office during that period?

I just hope Obama brings some garlic when it is time to cast him out.

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Filed under Economy, Fail Watch, Greed, WW4F

Will Work 4 Food – Part the 2nd

Soon to be unemployed person: Julie L. Myers, JD.

Current title (but not for long): Assistant Secretary of Homeland Security for Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

Past Employment (from her Department of Homeland Security bio): “Her previous positions in federal government leadership roles include service as assistant secretary for Export Enforcement at the Department of Commerce, chief of staff for the Criminal Division at the Department of Justice and deputy assistant secretary for Money Laundering and Financial Crimes at the Treasury Department.”

Alleged areas of expertise: Enough law to get a job in bAdmin.

Apparent areas of expertise: Nepotism. Stomping on the huddled masses.

Additional skills: Judging costume parties. Walking before they make her run.

Hobbies: Practicing lipstick application.

Suggestions for new jobs: Something involving heavy boots a rubber hose and unlimited access to Schedule II prescription pads. Helping the Minute Men erect fences. Just keep her away from shoe polish.

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Filed under Fail Watch, WW4F

Will Work 4 Food – Part the 1st of a Series

With 75 days of the Worst President Evar to go and sane, intelligent adults on their way to the White House, a lot of immature, dimwitted adolescents are going to be out on their asses. Because I can be gracious in victory, I thought I’d do my part to help them find new jobs. Jobs that are suited to their abilities. Jobs as far the fuck away from the levers of power as possible without launching them into space.

Now, you may be thinking: ‘But surely they have the foresight to dust off their resumes.’ To which I respond: ‘Foresight? Bwhahahaha, snort!’ I guarantee you that at least some of these jokers will be shocked. SHOCKED, when Obama walks into their offices and meaningfully jerks his thumb over his shoulder.

In addition, if they’re suddenly unemployed I don’t want them hanging around my town looking for a handout. So here, in no particular order except Cheney and Bush will be last, are some folks who will soon be looking for employment and some suggestions for what they can do after Jan. 20, 2009.

Soon to be unemployed person: Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

Current title: Secretary of State.

Past Employment: Making life hard for teachers who have to put up with assholes like me who say that those who can’t, teach.

Alleged areas of expertise (from her White House bio): “From 1989 through March 1991, the period of German reunification and the final days of the Soviet Union, she served in the Bush Administration as Director, and then Senior Director, of Soviet and East European Affairs in the National Security Council, and a Special Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs. In 1986, while an international affairs fellow of the Council on Foreign Relations, she served as Special Assistant to the Director of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. In 1997, she served on the Federal Advisory Committee on Gender – Integrated Training in the Military.”

Apparent areas of expertise: Babysitting. Rapid deployment of the passive voice. Looking puzzled. Looking angry and puzzled. Looking scary and puzzled. Misjudging everything and everyone, especially the Russians. Lying like a rug.

Quote: Hey, Osama bin Laden didn’t send us a signed note saying he was going to attack the U.S. using hijacked commercial airplanes and you know what they say about people who assume!

Additional skills: A fine pianist. Fluent in several languages which is more than can be said for her boss. Sticking to the script:

“I’ve learned never to predict in this business,” she said, “but it is clear we’re in a different situation now because Israel is going to elections.”

Hobbies: Shopping during natural disasters.

Suggestions for new jobs: Keyboard player in an airport lounge. PR flack for a company with a LOT to hide. Bouncer at a refined bar. Boot model. Replacement for conservetard what’s-her-face on The View.

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Filed under Fail Watch, Foreign Policy, WW4F