As of Nov 4, 2008, The Karl Rove Fling Shit and Hope Enough Sticks standard has been replaced by the David Axlerod Address the Issues, Display Intelligence, Connect with the People Not Just Your Base, Think Fast, Move Fast, Hit Only Above the Belt but HIT HARD Standard.
I know, I know. Many of you say issues are booooring and it’s too hard to learn all that stuff and you wonder why can’t we keep doing things the old way.
Because shut up. That’s why.
Now, I hope you were taking copious notes during the past election cycle or your asses will be crushed. So stop whining and put on your work out clothes so you can start pole-vaulting practice. You’ve got a really high bar to clear.
I can’t decide if John Boehner is a festering stinking asshole or a festering, putrid stinking asshole on a dead skunk. See what you think (via the AssPress):
House Republican leader John Boehner on Wednesday urged President Bush to block all federal funds to a grass-roots community group that has been accused of voter registration fraud.
“It is evident that ACORN is incapable of using federal funds in a manner that is consistent with the law,” Boehner, R-Ohio, wrote Bush, saying that funds should be blocked until all federal investigations into the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now are completed.
I’m sure he was equally concerned when federal fund recipient Blackwater started using the citizens of Iraq for target practice. But wait, it gets better:
Boehner said he and other Republicans were also asking the Justice Departmentto investigate ACORN’s connections to the home mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, saying ACORN “appears to have played a key role in the irresponsible schemes that led to the current financial meltdown.”
Why stop there Johnny? You could have accused them of engineering the 9/11 attacks to the increase in diabetes.
- EPIC FAIL
I don’t intend to cover the campaign because everyone else I read does a much better job. However, I should pause to note that Barack Obama’s nomination is official, shouldn’t I?
You’re right. I don’t know what the hell’s the matter with me either. In my defense, it ain’t exactly a huge surprise and I have to pace myself for the election.
Please don’t tell my mom.
Anyway. I have been wanting to do this:
It’s 0300. The phone rings. Who do you expect to hear the phone?
Contestant # 1
Contestant # 101
Smart statergery from the GOP (via The AssPress):
President Bush starts raising money for John McCain’s campaign next week, but the three fundraisers are closed, so there will be no news media cameras photographing the outgoing and incoming Republican party leaders together nor reporters observing their joint appearances.
1. If we could rely on Das Press to do more than tell us who was there, what they ate and what they were wearing, we might give a flaming damn.
2. “Outgoing and incoming Republican leaders“? Excuse me, you misspelled L-O-S-E-R-S.
Bush has headlined numerous fundraisers for the Republican National Committee this election cycle, starting last year.
And despite the repeated beatings the GOP has received, they keep asking him to help.
The Chimperor has 241 days left to finish destroying the Republican Party. Godspeed Mr. President!
Well, it did…
Sometimes I worry the GOP will pull off a presidential win. Then stuff like this happens and realize my time would be better spent worrying giant radioactive cockroaches will take over the country* (via AssPress):
The man picked by the John McCain campaign to run the 2008 Republican National Convention resigned Saturday after a report that his lobbying firm used to represent the military regime in Myanmar.
Doug Goodyear resigned as convention coordinator and issued a two sentence statement:
“Today I offered the convention my resignation so as not to become a distraction in this campaign. I continue to strongly support John McCain for president, and wish him the best of luck in this campaign.”
Goodyear, chief executive of lobbying firm DCI Group, resigned a few hours after Newsweek posted a story posted online that the company was paid $348,000 in 2002 and 2003 to represent Myanmar’s junta.
I’m sure he would have ‘fessed up on his own if this story hadn’t come out. Just like Bob Allen was so forthcoming about his fondness for drinking protein shakes straight from the tap.
So what was Doug “Flat” Goodyear’s Mission for Burma?
Newsweek said the firm drafted news releases praising Burma’s efforts to curb the drug trade and denouncing claims by the Bush administration that the regime engaged in rape and other abuses [emphasis added].
Man, no wonder the GOPers are dead set against legalized prostitution. They don’t want the competition.
*Assuming I would notice.
Update: Could have sworn I hit Publish last night. You’re better off reading The Carpetbagger Report, especially if you have small children in the house.