Category Archives: Church of the Poisoned Mind

Shorter Mike pHuckabee [Update]

I swear to the God Mike claims he believes in that this shorter is 100% accurate.

The destructive effect of Equal Marriage Rights is SO POWERFUL, it sent shockwaves back in time and forced parents to neglect their kids even when simply being attracted to someone of the same gender was a crime and/or a mental illness!

Because heaven forbid we blame straight men for ANYTHING.
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Filed under =MR, Church of the Poisoned Mind, Everyone is the root of all evil except for me and my monkey, Republicans and other Perverts

Bomb planted along MLK Day Parade Route [Updated]

Please send your condolences to the real intended victims [h/t Balloon Juice]:

The Spokane office of the FBI confirmed late Tuesday morning that a suspicious package found along the route of the Unity Parade on Monday morning was a credible threat that had the potential to cause “multiple casualties.”

[…]

The backpack, a black Swiss Army pack, was found by a city employee [who deserves a medal -ed.] Monday morning at approximately 9:30 a.m. in a parking lot across from the INB Performing Arts Center. After it was reported, authorities shut down several blocks in the vicinity of the intersection of Main Avenue and Washington Street.

FBI special agent Frank Harrill said the investigation into the device has become a top priority, adding that the timing and placement of the device wasn’t coincidental.

As much as I’d like to think the usual rejects will take the opportunity to quietly sip their frothy tankards of StFu, I don’t hold out much hope.

I’m sure we’ll soon hear this is all the fault of the liberals and the lamestream media who want to DESTROY REALAMERICA and anyway the bomb couldn’t have done that much harm and the FBI made it up and holding parades in honor of someone who died trying to bring racial equality to America is racist and now Obama will use this as an excuse to take our guns and freedoms so let’s ramp up the paranoia to about … eleventy zillion.

Me, I just hope they catch the bastard before he tries something else. The FBI is offering $20 large for information.

[Update] This evening in Seattle police detonated a suspicious package in Counterbalance Park.

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Filed under Church of the Poisoned Mind, Misguided Self-justification

H8rs’ Recycling Program – African-American Communist Traitors, Oh My!

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Filed under Adventures in the Intertubes, Church of the Poisoned Mind, Republicans and other Perverts

Tomorrow’s shorters today – At the movies

Because I Love You Phillip Morris is based on the life of Steven Russell, we’ll soon be treated to non-reviews from the fReichtard Primitive Cerebral Ganglia Trust.

I don’t intend to don my HAZMAT suit and wade through the sewers any more than the people who write “Ewww, gross!” 5,000 times intend to see the movie. However, I can still write their shorters without looking. (Take that, Sadly, No!)

Because I’m psychic.

Kidding! fRighties are so predictable it is a wonder they don’t shoot themselves to alleviate a bit of the tedium. This makes figuring out what a fRighty is going to say before his brain cell warms up remarkably easy. Observe:

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Filed under Church of the Poisoned Mind, Lazy Latte Sipping Islahomo

Halp! Halp! I’m bein’ po-ssessed!

Well, this is one way to prepare for the influx of Republican CongressCritters. Don’t think it’ll work though [via AssPress]:

Overwhelmed with requests for exorcists, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops are holding a special training workshop in Baltimore this weekend to teach clerics the esoteric rite, the Catholic News Service reported.

The church has signed up 56 bishops and 66 priests for the two-day workshop that began on Friday, seeking to boost the small group of just five or six American exorcists that the church currently has on its books.

Don’t ask me why. I’m too busy being pissed I can’t get up to cHarm City this weekend to re-enact scenes from The Exorcist.

OK, actually this makes me a tad nervous. Who are all these people who believe demons can hop into your body, where did they come from and how can we make sure they don’t get their hands on any guns, knives or sporks?

And has anyone seen Rick Sanctum Santorum lately?

Possible signs of demonic possession include scratching, cutting, biting of the skin; profound displays of strength [The fact these are also signs an altar boy is sick of Father Creep and his ‘Find the Communion Wafer’ game are sheer coincidence -ed.]; and a strong or violent reaction to holy water [Maybe stop using your wee-wee as an aspergillum. Just a suggestion -ed.].

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Filed under Church of the Poisoned Mind, Mental Health

Shorter Obtuse Angle: Stop the Shariamosqocaust!

Fine. You read it and tell me what the hell she’s trying to say [via AssPress]:

In a recording of the rally … a man is heard asking [Sharron] Angle : “I keep hearing about Muslims wanting to take over the United States [He also keeps hearing a little voice that tells him to steal a pair of his neighbor’s underwear and rub it all over his body. – ed.] … on a TV program just last night, I saw that they are taking over a city in Michigan and the residents of the city, they want them out. [The REAL residents. Not the Muslim invaders pretending to be residents. Duh! – ed.] They want them out. So, I want to hear your thoughts about that.”

[…]

“My thoughts are these, [And they are hers. – ed.]  first of all, Dearborn, Michigan, and Frankford, Texas [Yoohoo, Texas! This lady says Muslims could take one of your cities and ya’ll wouldn’t put up a fight. – ed.] are on American soil, and under constitutional law. Not Sharia law. [Angle loses 10 points for failing to eruct the standard Constitution/Judeo-Christian Principles line. – ed.]  And I don’t know how that happened in the United States,” she said. [A less discerning person might think it hasn’t happened, but not our Sharr! – ed.] “It seems to me there is something fundamentally wrong with allowing a foreign system of law to even take hold in any municipality or government situation in our United States.”

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Filed under Church of the Poisoned Mind, ReaLAMErican Hero

I’ll take “Things that are pre-snarked” for $500

Note: The AP now refers to Eddie Long as a pastor. I believe it is more respectful to use bishop, since that is his official title.*

Oh look. Another TalEvangical who hates the idea of gay men getting hitched is in the news [via AssPress]:

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Filed under Church of the Poisoned Mind, Republicans and other Perverts