If you’ve got Firebaggers on your Festivus list you’ve no doubt been wondering what to get them. After all, it isn’t easy to find a gift that says “You’re a politically inert waste of skin who squeals like a pig with its dick caught in a rat trap at little or no provocation. But I really … don’t hate you. All that much.”
Your search is over. After months of studying firebaggers, fauxgressives, nogressvies, regressives and emogressives in their natural habitat, I’m proud to present the FIREBAGGER GIFT BUYING (EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT WON’T BE GOOD ENOUGH) GUIDE FOR 2010.
The following 5 gifts will delight the proggy and stop the whining. For a couple of minutes. Maybe:
1. The Amazone Swindle™. Outrage = Page Hits = $$$. For those rare days when the progressive doesn’t feel up to blaming the whole rotten mess on the Democrats, there’s the Swindle™. Simply call up an article from one of six major newspapers. The Swindle™ will produce a 5,000 word skreeeed™ and up to 10 Tweets that are indistinguishable from screeds and Tweets written by an actual fauxgressive.
If your proggy pal already has the Swindle™, consider the pAC™ upgrade. This money-making powerhouse is virtually identical to a real Political Action Committee. Provided the FEC never takes a look at it. (Attorney not included.)
2. The BuHu Battle Hamsher. Don’t be fooled by this cute little critter’s fluffy exterior. At the push of a button the Battle Hamsher will race around snapping at the ankles of anyone who isn’t sufficiently firebaggish, which is pretty much everyone at this point. Except Grover Norquist for some reason. When you want it to settle down, just whisper “It’s all Obama’s fault.”
3. Create a Candidate Kit. It’s no surprise your firebagger friend can’t find a Democrat who is willing to primary Obama from the left. They’re all corporatist lackeys too weighed down by white guilt to run against him. Worse, not a single one is willing to make shit up and thoughtlessly spout rabble-rousing talking points like those neato Republicans.
With the Create a Candidate Kit, your favorite firebagger can create a living, breathing political opponent that will either force Obama to move to the left or siphon off enough votes to put a Republican in the White House. Either way, it will allow the firebagger to utter those three precious words: “Told you so!” (Lightning rod, lightning and deformed lab assistant not included).
4. Fee-Fee Brothers Bitters. Whether he’s brooding on the unfairness of it all, or developing a plan to make them all wish they’d listened, the firebagger demands something special for his cocktails. A bottle of Fee-Fee Brothers Bitters is sure to bring a smile to his face. Flavors include Obama Hates Me Orange, Pouty Prune, Griping Grapefruit and Let It All Burn Lemon. Just don’t expect him to share.
5. An Apology. No matter how brief your contact with a progressive, you’ve thoughtlessly trampled his feelings at least a dozen times. Perhaps you allowed your attention to wander while he aired all of his grievances against everyone else who has thoughtlessly trampled his feelings. Maybe your last apology wasn’t sincere enough. Or it was so sincere the progressive thought you were being sarcastic. At any rate, a groveling apology, complete with a thorough accounting of all of your sins might set things right.
Look, just get it over with now, or you’ll be contemplating Pity Sex for the firebagger’s birthday.