The United States of America in the year 2010: The gutters of our nation’s most elitist cities run with latte-tainted urine as the progressive v. progressive pissing contest drags on. But thanks to a team of highly trained socio-political experts* the unpleasantness ends today.
Over the past six months† a crack team of sociology and political science professors from America’s tallest ivory towers, together with two former presidents and three retired Supreme Court justices‡ designed this simple 7-question test that will finally separate the true progressives from the backstabbing corporafascist bigoted neo-con pigs in tie-dye clothing. You must not have anything better to do right now or you wouldn’t be here, so pick up your Number 2 pencil and begin:
1. How do you feel when you think of the upcoming elections?
a) What? Didn’t we just do this?
b) A little nervous.
c) Really excited! I can’t wait to see the look on Obama’s face when Republicans take over and impeach him!
2. Look at this picture for exactly 15 seconds. You are filled with the urge to:
a) Spank the monkey in a carefree and defiant manner.
b) Shake my head sadly over the state of U.S. politics.
c) Once again ask why, oh why, the Democrats have failed to create an unorthodox, headline grabbing candidate who can recite talking points and other party propaganda.
3. Do you know what the term “Hippie Punching” means?
a) LOL. Is that like donkey punching?
b) [Sigh] Yes.
c) Clearly you have yet to read my 32,758 word, 5-part essay: The Punchocaust – The Life and Very, Very, Very Hard Times of a True Progressive among the Obots. Guess you’ve got better things to do while the world goes to shit, huh?
4. What role should progressive blogs play in politics?
b) They make a good place for people of similar political beliefs to quickly share information and ideas.
c) Look, I’m a plain spoken person and I have to say: What an incredibly stupid question. Progressive blogs, especially my blog, control the debate and the votes. If I’m not happy, a lot of DINO politicians are going to be unemployed. And I’m never, ever, happy.
5. If Republicans take the House and/or the Senate in the upcoming election, it will prove:
a) What day do we vote again?
b) Democratic leadership failed to adequately inform and energize voters.
c) I was right! I was right! In your FACE! I warned everyone but they didn’t listen. Now they’ll be sorry, they’ll ALL BE SORRY!
6. Have you ever directly contacted an elected official to share a concern, express an opinion, note your support/opposition to a bill, etc.?
c) Why the hell should I do that? I have a blog. They should read it every day if they want to know my opinion so badly. And keep their jobs.
7. In your opinion, the highest form of literature is:
a) Dirty limericks.
b) Well-crafted prose.
c) A ransom note.
Time’s up! Please put down your pencils. Here’s how to calculate your score:
If you answered c) to four or more questions, give yourself 100 points.
If you answered b) to four or more questions, give yourself 50 points.
If you answered a) to four or more questions, give yourself 25 points.
Give yourself 500 points if you stopped halfway through the test to write a blog entry, two Tweets and a Facebook update about how much you hate people who aren’t serious enough.
Deduct 500 points if you actually stopped to masturbate in front of the picture in Question 2. Dude, really? Grow the fuck up.
If you scored 100 points or more: Goodness! President Obama needs to hear each and every one of your ideas immediately or the country will be doooooomed. I beg you; Go to the White House and demand to be shown into the Oval Office. Don’t take no for an answer from the guards. They’re part of the crypto-fascist corporatist hippie punching problem anyway.
If you scored 50 points. You’re a progressive. But you don’t give a damn because you’re busy and it’s all rather silly anyway.
If you scored 25 points or less. Look, just try to remember to vote this time. And pull up your damned pants! Christ.
*Take my word for it.