This year, make it a 2 turkey Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving Day: A time when many of you travel long distances to eat too much in the company of people you’d avoid were it not for the major birth defect that’s plagued you your entire life (i.e. you were born into their family tree*). And then, if I understand this correctly, tradition calls on you to get up at dawn the next day and hie ye to the nearest shopping mall where you will fight thousands of tired, dyspeptic, angry strangers for a parking space and gifts for your “loved ones.”†

Yes, it’s hard to imagine anything that could make Thanksgiving a bigger pain in the ass without hiring a clumsy colorectal surgeon with the shakes. Certainly it would take someone with a lot of grift and determination to make us wish we could skip straight from the second week of November to the New Year’s Day hangover.

Oops, did I say grift? I meant grit.

Nah, I meant grift (via USAToady, h/t Balloon Juice denizen Annie):

Sarah Palin’s new book has a title, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag, and a release date, Nov. 23, publisher HarperCollins announced Tuesday.

Wait, don’t slash your wrists just yet! It gets bet- er … well, don’t slash your wrists:

It will include “selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her,” according to HarperCollins, along with “the nation’s founding documents to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.”

[…]

“The book will also include portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her deep love of country, her strong rootedness [When publishers use “words” like rootedness I get depressed -ed.] in faith, and her profound love and appreciation of family,” the statement from HarperCollins reads.

Apparently pouring 60,000 gallons of free-floating words into a ghost writer’s ear is too gosh darn hard if you have to think of all the words. This time Palin’s going to cut up a bunch of inspirational quotes calendars, scribble a few notes on them and give that to the ghost writer.

But there’s an upside to the second Palin-inspired attack on innocent trees. This Thanksgiving, when your family pisses you off (again), and you’re looking for a form of revenge that won’t result in arrest (again), pick up copies of America By Heart. For all of ’em.

*Me, I stay the hell at home.

†Again, Thanksgiving Holiday + Me = Home. Why fuck up a four day break?

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