Monthly Archives: July 2009

The Birf of a Nation or…

The dream of the Returnable Negro.

Birfitis is now being discussed around the world. For anyone just joining us, I highly recommend these lovely illustrated guides to the mind of the Birfer Queen and her drones. I also wanted offer an explanation of Birfitis so you’ll understand why more people are coming down with this affliction even though the very least they can expect is a lifetime of mockery. So, don your HAZMAT suits because it will require a peek into the only place darker, filthier, more tension-filled and cramped than a Port-o-Let at a Teabagger rally.

The brain of the racist. Form a line and mind your heads please, there’s very little room in here. And watch out for the streaks of fear shit. Ready? We’ll begin.

Here we are at the giant teeter-totter of bigotry.

9,000 petawatts of fear keep the racist brain in a constant flux between two belief states:

1. Those People need to stay in their place.

2. Those People need to go back to where they came from.

1. is the ground state. However, as Those People move away from Their Place, fear tips the brain towards 2.

While the average racist couldn’t articulate where exactly Their Place is if you rammed a half-stick of dynamite up his ass and brandished a pack of waterproof matches (not that I’m suggesting anything), I’m sure we’ll all agree that President of the United States of America is not it.

More severe cases moved towards state 2. the moment Obama announced he would run for President. However, the idiots currently entertaining us with their antics were desperate to warn the world that an African-American was trying to get out of his place, they are bright enough to realize commenting directly on his race could have negative consequences.

You may recall some early sporadic attempts to claim that Obama wasn’t you know, black black, because his ancestors were not slaves (in America at least). So um, if you’re going to vote for him because he’s black, don’t. ‘Cos he’s not.

Sir? Excuse me, sir! Please don’t touch that. If you trigger the Rush Limbaugh response gland while we’re in you’ll have to pay for our rabies shots.

Now, if you check the U.S.’s definition of African-American or Black you will see no mention of slavery.  And of course, anyone with half a teaspoon of sense knows that cross conflagration artists don’t give the people they harass and assault a chance to recite their family tree. However, it is my theory, and it is mine, that these early references to Obama’s father gave birth to the birfer movement. Ah-ha! the proto-birfers cried, his father is from Kenya and even though he was born on American soil to an American citizen and in all ways satisfies the definition of a natural born citizen for the purposes of Article II of the Constitution … he isn’t really qualified to be the President because … Uh. Where’s his Birth Certificate? No, not that one! The really real one.

Madam, please keep your children away from the Cunning Jewish Person Stereotype Projection Device, it’s very sensitive. Thank you.

The Birth Certificate Controversy also contained two elements favored by society’s assorted nuts: There was the vast, complicated conspiracy that spanned two continents and more than four decades and the opportunity to display their unshakable ignorance of simple matters such as citizenship.

The BCB also allowed them to entertain one of those paradoxes of which bigots are so fond. Obama was obviously too stupid to be president, yet at the same time he was able to fool or silence everyone from his own family members to the Central Intelligence Agency. Bigots need to believe those they fear are powerful and immensely dangerous or pitching rocks through the window of the store owned by that Korean family becomes less like Defending America and more like being a petty minded little shit.

Soon the BCB began to attract victims of ASAD – Attention-Seeking Asshole Disorder:

Calm down! Please, this is just a hologram of Alan Keyes. How in the world did you get that sawed off shot gun in here? Never mind. Just put it away please.

However, BCB would have stayed on the outer fringes of society were it not for the events of 4 November, 2008. Many people who began the day certain there was now way one of Those People would get that far out of His Place went to bed in shock. Not only was Obama out of His Place, he was in a place where he could and would affect their lives. With an audible thud thousands of bigot brains landed in state 2. and there were the original birfers, promising that they could prove Obama was out of His Place. And once they have enough proof, surely he’ll have to go back where he came from.

And if they can return one Negro who didn’t stay in his place, maybe they can get rid of the rest. At the very least, it would serve as a warning.

That concludes our tour, please be sure to stop by the decon booths on your way out – Oh no! Which one of you broke the Brown Hordes Pouring Over Our Borders diorama?


Comments Off on The Birf of a Nation or…

Filed under Mental Health, WATB

Mark Sanford – Trailblazer

There was a time in the not too distant past when “I’ve decided to spend more time with my family,” was Republispeak for Retreat! Retreat!

Once a Grand Old Partyer uttered those fateful words, you knew it was only a matter of days before he’d scurry away from the hot glare of the camera lights and all those unpleasant questions about the goat. And the big tub of margarine.

Sure, it must be hard to give up on all the power, the perks. But given the choice between heading for the hills or sticking around to face more questions about the three disabled Girl Scouts and the feather dusters, you’d have it away on your toes. Also.

It’s a shame none of the scandal-plagued fRighties ever asked super genius and dedicated [skirt] hiker Governor Mark Sanford (R-Gentina) what he’d do if he’d been caught frolicking in a pool of Jell-O with half a dozen ostriches and the cast from Cats. He could have told them how to keep their jobs, but not do their jobs because … They need to spend more time with their families [via The Sun News*]:

Gov. Mark Sanford said he is leaving the state today for a two-week European vacation with his wife and four sons.

Sanford said Wednesday the trip has been long-scheduled as a last family getaway. The Sanfords’ oldest son will leave for college next year.

Sanford said he considered canceling the trip, but that his children had raised money to help pay for the excursion by selling lemonade. [See? He’s thinking of the children. Take that dirty homo-libs! – ed.]

Another reason for the trip, the governor said, was to get the children away from the constant media coverage of the revelation of his affair and its aftermath. [European reporters will have no interest in a scandal-plagued American neo-con politician. And a mermaid just flew out of my ass – ed.]

The article also notes that Sanford has worked 15 of 25 days since he returned from his [hem-hem] fact finding trip to Argentina. And this vacation began a few days after he got back from a 5-day vacation with his wife.

Sheer. Genius.

He fucked around and then transformed a total fuck up into an excuse to fuck around some more! He still gets the paycheck, the power, the perks, but when asked to work, he can point to the family: “What are you, crazy? I can’t work now. I have to spend time with my family! I’ll see you in … three weeks. Better make it four. My family needs me.”

Maybe next he’ll strangle the family pet and stop working at all while he helps his family get through the grieving process.

[h/t Wonkette]

*A McClatchy publication. Natch. Also.

Comments Off on Mark Sanford – Trailblazer

Filed under Misguided Self-justification, Republicans and other Perverts

Show us your Tweets!

If this doesn’t give you a raging hard on, check your pulse.

I swear I’m starting to love this woman. She’s like an evil dolly that exists solely to slaughter fReichtards. And the best part is, they can’t stop picking her up to give her a cuddle. Youbetcha.

I’d also like to kiss the inventors of Twitter right on the lips.

My only worry is this dimbulb, in attempting to be less P.C., will wind up sounding like a DFH.

Comments Off on Show us your Tweets!

Filed under Mental Health, Republicans and other Perverts

A Declaration Returner Leprosy

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Queen of  Fetus Fetishistan does intend to challenge the pretenders to her throne!  (via the Washington Post*):

Randall Terry has a thing for fake blood.

Yes, Randall Terry of Operation Rescue, the zygote lovin’ lunatic who was too loony for his fellow loons wants to make a come back.

Pinch me!

We all know that the best way to defeat the fReichtards is to put them in front of a microphone and a camera and then stand back so we aren’t splattered by their spittle. Think of how much the guy who said this (via the Washington Post):

… George R. Tiller “was a mass murderer and, horrifically, he reaped what he sowed.”

could do for women’s reproductive rights. After a few minutes’ viewing of this insane clown’s antics people will run, not walk, to defend the nearest family planning clinic. And I’m sure Attention Junkie Terry will treat us to his warped opinion on a number of topics that will help his listeners decide that he and anyone like him and anyone standing next to him is dead wrong about everything. At the risk of sounding greedy, I hope he teams up with Professional Dropout Palin and Wingnut Keyes to form the SuperDuper fReichtard Friends. This year, anything seems possible. Also.

Best of all, some of the not so loony members of the Blostomere Preservation League are whining “Do not want!” at the thought of the return of their former fearless drama queen leader:

Leaders of the antiabortion movement are cringing at Terry’s sudden return. They say his incendiary rhetoric and showy tactics turn off ordinary Americans and reflect Terry’s struggle to regain his glory years.

Awww, didums get sum nasty wasty fleas? Suck it.

Now will someone pull Phyllis Schlafly out of the mothballs and give Rev. Phred Felch a bigger megaphone?

*motto: “Reporters available by the week, day or hour!”

Comments Off on A Declaration Returner Leprosy

Filed under Church of the Poisoned Mind, Republicans and other Perverts, WATB

Blogger gets one year probation…

…for polluting Internet with annoying sounds, tedium.

Just kidding! Sorta (via AssPress):

A blogger who admitted to leaking part of the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy was sentenced to a year of probation on Monday.

U.S. District Magistrate Judge Paul L. Abrams also ordered Kevin Cogill to serve two months of home confinement, subject his computers to government scrutiny and record a public service announcement for the Recording Industry Association of America.

No really. Just as we can agree that the the world would be a better place if the RIAA was subjected to rectal investigations abruptly & aggressively, we can also agree that this was a patently stupid thing to do. Continue reading

Comments Off on Blogger gets one year probation…

Filed under Misguided Self-justification, Music and other essential things

Because I don’t have enough to do

New blog.

Comments Off on Because I don’t have enough to do

Filed under Republicans and other Perverts