Announcing the grand opening of the 1st Bank of Jake

I’ve got an expensive suit, conservative ties, a firm handshake and a warm smile. Yep, I’m good. Now to get filthy stinking rich without any of that hard work and dedication crap my elders always blabbed about (via the AssPress):

The Federal Reserve announced Friday it will auction an additional $100 billion in April to cash-strapped banks as it continues to combat the effects of a credit crisis.

The central bank said it would make $50 billion available at each of two auctions, on April 7 and April 21.

Ca. Ching. The beauty part is, I don’t want much so I figure that for a bid of $1,000 on the 7th, the Fed will give me $1 million. Then I’ll take what I didn’t blow on booze and other pleasures of the flesh after the 7th and go back for a second helping on the 21st.

Unless I have a near-fatal amount of fun, I should be able to walk away with at least $100 million. I will of course use the money to keep my customers happy. And since I intend to target masochists in my marketing they’ll need a few towels when they learn about all the fees.

If that doesn’t work out (or I have to shut down because the place is full of moaning bottoms) I’ll just go back for more. Money that is:

In announcing the move to $50 billion last month, the Fed said it would continue the auctions for at least the next six months, unless credit conditions show they are no longer needed.

Isn’t that neat? They’ll just keep producing more money until everyone has enough money. And then I assume they’ll bugger off to a remote island before people realize their money is worth slightly less than nothin’. I will of course be perfectly safe because my customers will declare me a god when they find out about the penalty for early withdrawal.

The Fed’s auctions have drawn criticism from some that the central bank, and ultimately U.S. taxpayers, could be financing a bailout for big Wall Street firms that had engaged in risky lending practices.

Oh, waaah! Open a bank like me and get your fiscally responsible ass down to the auction.

I just hope the Fed will take a check.

I know it seems odd, but just prick your finger and … Sign. Here.

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