When you go from this:
1957 Chrysler 300.


61 300-G

To (bluurg) this:

Chrysisler 300 2005

Above: 2005 Chrysisler “300”‡

Then you must be prepared when the Gods of Automobiles start to beat you like a drum (via The New York Times):

Summer shutdowns are longstanding traditions in the auto industry so plants can be retooled for the new model year, but they primarily involve only hourly workers. Chrysler told its salaried employees Thursday that, except for those who keep working in “business-critical activities,” [Calculating how much we can get if we strip the place to the insulation and sell it all to some kid from Dubai – ed.] they must use vacation time during the shutdown.

“As a private company, we all need to think like owners and do our part to accelerate Chrysler’s recovery and transformation,” [Translation: We knew we couldn’t make any money if you didn’t work your asses off but things have gotten so bad we have to stop fucking around and {shudder} do some work. Or at least think about it. After a quick trip to St. Tropez – ed.] Chrysler’s chief executive, Robert L. Nardelli, told employees in an e-mail message.

Chrysler, based in Auburn Hills, Mich., is in the midst of a “recovery and transformation plan” [AKA: Dynamic Extramural Shipboard Furniture Repositioning Exercises – ed.] that includes cutting about 12,000 jobs by this spring and as many as 10,000 more jobs after that through a buyout program. [Of course they’re going to fuck the workers, you don’t expect execs to make sacrifices! – ed.]

“We ask that you approach this idea with an open mind and a team spirit,” [Translation: Hey guys isn’t this fun? Pay no attention to the flop sweat pouring out of my Forzieris! – ed.] he wrote. “It’s going to take your cooperation and teamwork to achieve success.” [Success = Me shagging you like a bitch so my net worth doesn’t sag – ed.]

Don’t relax yet Bobby, the Gods of Automobiles have only begun to avenge the 300.

And if someone mentions how nice it would be if the government would step in and save the All-American Auto industry, remember the words of Jim Rogers:

“Bailouts are Socialism for the rich.”


*Don’t feel bad. The urge to have hot drunken bonobo sex with this machine is perfectly normal.

†Of course you want to lick this beast from stem to stern. You aren’t made out of stone.

‡This one? You’re sitting at your computer wearing your mom’s old girdle and rubber boots stuffed with small dying animals. Seek help.



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